Do you remember that night nearly 9 years ago? The first date in a corner booth at a chain restaurant? The instant connection... the laughter, the wait staff sweeping floors and closing up shop around us because 3 hours apparently wasn't enough time to get to know each other? I remember. The hug in the parking lot (you later admitted a kiss would have been too forward). The phone call the next day, roses delivered to my work 2 days later on Valentine's Day (a gutsy move). I never liked getting flowers before that. But you were different. I remember the dates those first couple years... Lake Michigan sunsets, dinners at local restaurants, afternoons at Diamond Lake, homemade dinners, and the one time I tried to cook you dinner at my apartment. It's not my fault no one had ever told me it would take approximately 5 years to boil potatoes whole before they would be soft enough to mash. Didn't I set off the smoke alarm that night too? I remember how it felt to fall so hard and fast for someone who seemed so perfect. So thoughtful. So kind. And smart. It didn't take either one of us long to realize this was it. We were in love and perfect for each other. I remember that fall morning you came over after your work shift ended. We'd been dating almost 2 years. You were in the other room and I answered your cell phone, thinking it was one of your friends needing something for the bachelor party you had that day. I remember hearing the woman's voice on the other end, tears filling my eyes, my heart sinking, and then filling with rage when I asked her name and she responded, "Kelly." I immediately confronted you. Remember? Your face sank and the guilt was all over it. I knew right then we were done. You weren't who I thought. But then (because I was SO mad) you called the number back right in front of me and she answered, "J.R. Fox Jewelers, this is Kelly, how may I help you?" Whoopsy. I guess that's one way to find out your boyfriend picked out a ring and is about to propose. I remember moving in together. The next big step. Then the puppy I had to have. I remember that morning a little over a year after our wedding. The word "pregnant" on the stick. I was in shock. I told you right away. I remember feeling so lucky... PREGNANT ON THE FIRST TRY! Then I remember the bleeding, the call to the doctor, the ultrasound with a very low heartbeat, the cramping and then the most heartache I'd ever felt. No more baby. It was taken from us before we ever had a chance to meet. It felt so unfair. But I remember you comforting me. Crying with me. Feeling the same pain as me and holding me. I remember the cautious, optimistic joy a few months later. Another positive test. This one was going to stick. And it did. Our sweet Hudson arrived in 2011. Then Sawyer in 2013. Three more heartbreaking miscarriages in 2014 and then 4 months ago, our Lyla. They are so perfect and our family is complete. We laugh so much with them, we learn so much from them and the life we’ve built together is so good.
But lately I’m constantly asking myself why it’s so hard. We have friends who aren’t able to get pregnant, friends whose babies were born and then died, friends without jobs, friends who would give anything to have the life and love that we do. Yet preschool, daycare, soccer, swimming lessons, bills, work, no time to think, no time to breathe make this life seem so overwhelming. Like it’s all too much. Why am I so stressed all the time? I know I’m working too many hours, I don’t spend anywhere near enough time with you or the kids and I feel like I could have a breakdown at any moment. I know you’re feeling the pressure too. We’re barely keeping our heads above water. Then it erupts into little digs or comments and sometimes an argument. Then there’s regret on top of the stress. I never thought so much success and happiness could lead to so many tears and sleepless nights. I never expected raising kids, holding down a job and being married would be so much work. I never envisioned my adult life as a 4:30 a.m. alarm clock and then not stopping until 9 or 10 p.m. It’s grueling. I’m exhausted and I know you are too. There is no “me” time, no “us” time. No date nights. Barely any time to talk face-to-face. It feels like the life we worked so hard to build is consuming us. But here’s what else I want you to know. I see you. I see you being so strong while I’m so frazzled. I see you being so kind and patient with our kids when it would be easier to dismiss them or yell. I see you being the father and husband I always knew you would be. I see you working harder than ever to make everything work. The kids’ toys. Your job. Family dinners. Whatever I broke this week (I’m not the most graceful person). I see you sucking it up and forging ahead. I see you living in the moment and not sweating the small stuff. I see you loving me unconditionally even though I can be a raging psycho sometimes (I mean very, very rarely… but we both know it happens). And I want you to know I love you for all of that and so much more. Thank you for being you and reminding me how beautiful this life is. Just as the kind mother of teenagers told me on the playground this summer, The Days Are Long and the Years are Short. And I’m so lucky I get to spend them with you.
11 Comments
Kathy Kelsheimer
10/20/2015 08:23:01 am
Loved your Blog, in fact Kelli several times you brought me to tears.To have a love like yours is wonderful.I wish I had some words of wisdom for you but you have them all.
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Annie Douglas
10/20/2015 08:27:57 am
Oh Kelli! We r driving through Alabama on r way to SW FL for the winter & reading this I just want to come babysit for the littles or do laundry or something to help! Lol. I didn't work away from home but raised 3 sons alone. Had a hubby truck driver gone all the time. I feel for you girl. Hang in there & remember there light at the end of the tunnel! Hugs lady!
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Anna
10/20/2015 08:57:00 am
This could have been written for me! You and I are very much alike, and this whole post resonates with me. So, you are not alone!
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Alison Vance
10/20/2015 09:23:07 am
Love this!!!!
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Listen up from a seasoned mom...The day will come when the house is quiet and your kids are in college and you have only one at home to finish up high school.(can I get an Amen) Those days have arrived for my husband and I, you look at your husband and take a deep breath and you can say it was an awesome ride! But very much worth it. But you know what is and was a priority? Date night every week for 23 years with my husband. It was our baby free zone, kid free zone and then it became our teen free zone. It should be a priority in you weekly to do list! #DateNight
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Mary Ellen
10/20/2015 12:22:22 pm
Indeed, Kelli, you and Justin are richly blessed to share love, your lives and your children's lives. No doubt God knew what he was doing. Thank you for sharing your life with all of us. No phony stuff here. Pure. Real. Joyful. Sad. Life.
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Cheryl Glowacki
10/20/2015 01:38:36 pm
Absolutely love your story .. On TV you are the journalist who takes on the tough jobs and challenging stories and yet here you are behind the keyboard showing such a tender side .. your heart .. And your soul .. what a gifted writer you are! Writing has also been a passion of mine as well .. God be with you as you continue to touch lives in a good way by all that you write, say and do!!
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Diane Beasley
10/20/2015 01:47:42 pm
Kellie, we see you on television everyday...it took much courage for you to write so honestly and from the heart. I am a soon to be 62 year old grandmother but I remember those days when my children were small. I decided to pursue my BS in nursing when I was in my 30's...I had an infant, a toddler and a kindergarten age child when I pursued that journey. I went to IUSB full time year round, worked part time and maintained my chores as a housewife and mother. It was rough times but when your mind is set on doing something you just do it with the grace of God. You lost your babies...I lost my 16 year old son Bryan to a drunk driver on July 22, 2000...so in addition to all the other "stuff" going on in life you as I will have a heartache forever, losing a child/babies. Your letter will be an inspiration to many young Moms! God Bless you!
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CarolAnn Walton
10/20/2015 02:13:48 pm
Kel, You are now and always have been BEAUTIFUL inside and out! This is so perfectly said. HLP (Hugs, Love & Prayers) to all of you
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Paula
10/20/2015 06:29:15 pm
Thank you Kelly for once again sharing your beautiful and honest life with us. You're a joy!
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AuthorI'm a mom to 3 beautiful, spirited, elementary school-aged humans, I'm addicted to running + strength training, I have no filter & I work full time in the corporate world. But behind the scenes of all that is where it really gets interesting... Archives
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