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kelli stopczynski
mom. runner. real talk queen. 

When We Don't Have All The Answers

3/26/2016

17 Comments

 
What do clouds taste like?
How was your car made?
Why did Jesus die?
Why is that man holding a sign in the middle of the road?

Those are just a few of the random questions my 4-year-old recently asked me (all in the same week). They are questions that made me proud because of the way his beautiful mind is thinking… but questions I struggled with because I didn’t know how to answer them. When I tried, he just came up with more complex questions – and it frustrated him that I just couldn’t find the right words.

I think it’s human nature to want to know the why. And when we don’t, it can be beyond frustrating.

The past week of my life has been one huge, frustrating, grief-stricken WHY.
It started with a phone call at 8:15 Saturday morning. My boss had unexpectedly passed away.

56 years old. 4 amazing kids. 1 gorgeous wife.

​It doesn’t make sense and it doesn’t feel fair.

Picture
Joe & his wife of 32 years (picture used with permission).

Joe was the kind of guy you want to work for – the kind who expects a lot out of you at work, but respects the fact that you have a family and other priorities. A natural leader. The kind of boss who takes the whole department out for lunch on a Tuesday, because why not?

The kind who says in a group text, ‘I don’t know the work policy for a blizzard warning, but I’m not going in right now and you don’t need to either. Let’s reassess at 10 a.m.’ And when he walks in to a full office at 10:30, says with a grin, ‘Man, I must have lived in the south too long.’
​
At least once a week, he’d look me square in the eye and say, ‘I’m proud of you,’ or ‘You’re doing a great job,’ or ‘I am so happy you’re part of my team.’ And he meant it. I only met Joe 5 months ago but feel like I’ve known him much longer.

I had so much to learn from him and he was willing to take the time and patience to teach me. 
Picture
Joe wasn't only teaching me business lessons, but also how to be a better manager and a good leader. This is hanging on a cork board in his office... and he lived it every single day.

Then in the middle of those lessons and plans and without the slightest warning or goodbye, he was gone.

I’d known about his death for two days when I walked into work Monday, but it still hit me hard.   

‘What the f**k, Joe?’ I whispered as I stared at his closed office door.  

He was one of the biggest reasons I felt confident and excited to dive into this new career. He was supposed to be there. I needed him there.

I sat at my desk and cried. I questioned my recent career change for the first time. I got really mad, then cried some more.

Then came the guilt.

I was feeling sorry for myself, but the family he loved so much will never see the man who was their everything. Could I have been any more selfish?

I’m told these are all normal stages and types of grief but I wouldn’t know. I’ve never lost someone who believed in me and outwardly cheered me on the way Joe did.

All I’ve wanted to do the past 7 days is lie in bed and stare at the ceiling. To cry hard and hope that when I run out of tears, the why would come to me.

But instead I was forced to be an adult, which meant helping take care of the baby who (inevitably) ran a 103 degree fever and basically refused to sleep for 5 days in a row. Being an adult meant calling poison control when the 3-year-old ate part of a bottle of adult fiber gummies. It meant holding in the tears while I played in the sandbox with my toddlers and attended a fundraiser with my family because we’d previously committed to it.

So instead of dwelling in my sorrow, I put myself into overdrive – spending time with Joe’s family, squeezing in good workouts, keeping up with work and simply getting through the day.  

But in the questions Joe can’t answer at work or the stillness after my kids go to bed at night, the sadness and doubt creep back in. I’m leaning heavily on my husband and other close friends who have more experience in this department of life – the one where you have to be a grown up and deal with your grief at the same time. 

As I struggle with the unknown and my inability to find answers, I’ve started to better understand why my 4-year-old becomes frustrated when I can’t tell him exactly how my car was made (apparently “by workers in a factory” isn’t detailed enough).

When the answers we’re presented with simply do not make sense, it’s only natural to wonder WHY.

At his funeral, Joe’s oldest son recited part of what our company CEO said to him: ‘Your Dad didn’t give you everything you want, but he did give you everything you need.’

I’m using that line for my own comfort and choosing to focus on what does make sense from the short time I worked for him. I now know Joe was in my life and I was in his for several reasons.

During a recent work trip to Detroit, we had a very candid conversation about faith and religion and how I’m struggling so much with both at this point in my life. I also know that conversation happened for a reason. 

I’ve always believed is there is a master plan for all of us in life. Nothing happens by chance… including the sudden death of someone we care about.

At work, Joe was big on what he called “process and procedure.” So for now, I’m trusting the process and procedure that lie within the master plan. For Joe’s family. For our work family. For others who trusted and loved him.

And I know he’s watching over me with those big Irish eyes and a huge smile saying what he told a couple of us at the office from time to time: “Atta girl, you’re my favorite.” 
Picture
Rest in Peace, Joe! (Picture used with permission)
17 Comments
Michele Phillips
3/26/2016 08:42:16 am

I recently lost someone very similar to your friend Joe. Brant Beckett was my friend and a mentor for 25 years. Suddenly he was gone. 48 years old and gone. I have thrown myself into "adulting". There was no funeral, we will celebrate his life this spring. I have not and cannot process this. I have faced my share of loss from all ways imagineable. I keep moving forward because to unpack and live in my grief is not an option. I lean on others when I need to as I am there for others to lean on in their times of need. I believe that is how we get through. Lift others up, continue to share what our friends taught us, commit random acts of kindness and share senseless moments of joy. My heart cries for you and all who have lost and I share in your frustration and the questions of why. Peace.

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Penny Callahan
3/26/2016 08:55:40 am

Kelli, what a beautiful story! You have a real writing talent. My heart goes out to you. Hugs.

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Annie Douglas
3/26/2016 09:19:35 am

My heart is sad for the heartache you feel & I am so sorry for such a big loss. Advice is one half day at a time don't sweat the small stuff & know that he is proud of you & also a lot of us here are too! Being an adult is not for the faint of heart that is for sure! Thank goodness you have a wonderful hubby to support you in tough times. Lean on people when you need too. Just don't stop writing! Sad, happy, perplexed ? We all have been there one time or many! Hugs Kelli you are great at being Kelli!

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Marie G. Owens link
3/26/2016 09:29:11 am

Kelli, I miss you on tv, but love your blogs. Keep up the good work. I'm sorry for your loss, that is a tough one. Keep answering your son's questions as best you can. lol I raised four kids and they all had questions, so I get it. Mine are grown now, so we all survived and so will you. Looking forward to your next blog. Have a blessed Easter.

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Laura Hakeem
3/26/2016 09:44:18 am

So beautifully written, Kelly! Many prayers for Joe's family and yours.

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Frances Rhodes
3/26/2016 10:24:28 am

Kelly, love your story. It is so sad that we take for granted the people around us. I believe they are what builds our heart and character. You will not forget him and he did leave a piece of him with you. Sorry for your loss. Good luck in your new position and you will be missed on TV.

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Kristi Moore
3/26/2016 10:29:30 am

As a dear friend of Beth and Joe, & coach/mentor to all 4 of their awesome children, for close to 20 years, I read your blog with tears welling up before I finished the 2nd paragraph. I have had a constant lump in my throat & ache in my heart since I got the heart wrenching call from Beth, Sunday morning. I, too, have felt the frustration of not understanding why. This blog was a beautiful tribute to a man who loved his wife, adored his children & was a true friend to many. I will miss you, Joe Finley💚

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Mary
3/26/2016 11:15:23 am

Kellie- read the book Heaven by Randy Alcorn. It gives a biblical perspective on heaven that I think will be very helpful to you as you search for answers.

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Diane
3/26/2016 12:12:45 pm

Beautifully written! Thank you for sharing.

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Leila
3/26/2016 12:13:24 pm

Kelly, that was beautiful and maybe just what I needed to hear. Although I expect my eyes will tear up for a long to to come when I think of Joe and the loss for Beth, their kids and many friends, I will think of your words too.

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Claire Connors
3/26/2016 12:18:22 pm

I'm Joe and Beth's cousin in PA. Joe was the big brother I never had. Thank you for sharing this with all of us, I'm sobbing right now, but so thankful I just went out to FB.

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Carol
3/26/2016 06:04:20 pm

Very lovely story. So sad and beautiful at the same time. You did a wonderful job. Such a wonderful person he is Heaven and in the arms of God.

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Gary Borawski
3/26/2016 10:41:32 pm

I've been struggling, so far unsuccessfully, to write an adequate tribute to my best friend Joe. Thank you Kelli for so eloquently capturing the traits that made him remarkable in both business and personal relationships.

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Jennifer Lechtanski
3/26/2016 10:42:22 pm

At times that grief can feel like an ocean with turbulent waves and no land in sight. It felt that way after my dad passed. The waves sometimes crashed overhead, somedays I was just barely paddling to keep my head above water, but then I realized sometimes you just have to float to keep going and if you need to, tie your raft to a friend's so you can float together. Take care of yourself Kelli.

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Renee link
3/26/2016 10:51:01 pm

And when the initial shock & disbelief, past the funeral & the burial with all those people who are sorry & at a loss for words comes this part. The really hard part where we struggle to hold on to what we had while beginning to navigate this new course.
A hundred years ago my 36 year old fiancé died of a heart attack as I sat by his side waiting and praying the paramedics would hurry. Weeks before we were having a conversation about what would happen if he died, an odd conversation for a 36 year old. After telling me who would get what he looked at me and said, "and as far you go, you have everything you need tucked inside of you. You just have to figure how to get it out."
Joe blessed us all with joy, wisdom and courage. We just have to figure how to get it out.

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Pamela
3/27/2016 10:42:41 am

Kelly, you are in my thoughts and in my prayers during this very tough time. You have such a way with words and I enjoy reading your thoughts. God Bless you and Joe's family during this loss. Much love.

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Jacqueline Roelke
4/3/2016 08:47:11 am

Thank you so much for the beautiful tribute to Joe. He was a great guy and a wonderful friend. I met Joe many years ago at IU and became good friends. In past few years he helped me deal with the loss of my parents. Every time I got off the phone with him, I always felt better. He used to say "remember, you are my sweetheart ". I hadn't seen him face to face for over 20 years, but somehow it made me feel better. When he moved to South Bend, where I live, we had so much fun seeing each other again. It was just like we saw each other a week ago. He and I spoke the Thursday before he died. He seemed so happy! He loved his job,he loved being in South Bend where he could be close to his children again. He was taken much too soon.... But thank goodness we all had him in our lives. I will never forget him.

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    I'm a mom to 3 beautiful, spirited, elementary school-aged humans, I'm addicted to running + strength training, I have no filter & I work full time in the corporate world. But behind the scenes of all that is where it really gets interesting...

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